Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. | Romans 12:9-11
This Sunday, in our sermon on 1 Samuel 18-19, we looked at two contrasting versions of love. One version (represented by Jonathan) was unifying, committed, sacrificial, and active. The other (Saul’s love for David) was self-interested, jealous, weak, and quickly turned to hatred. In case you hadn’t figured it out, we should love the first way.
Rather than just leaving you with this rather obvious conclusion, we spent some time talking about our responsibility to love in this way, even when our love is not reciprocated. Christians do not base their love on the lovability of the recipient. Instead, we love because He first loved us; the gospel fuels our action. In the story we looked at, David is faced with this predicament: how to love Saul as Saul’s love for him develops into hatred. The only conclusion we can gain from the Bible is: to love your frenemy (someone who you had a loving relationship with that has become difficult).
This statement is met with an immediate pushback from anyone who is in a one-sided relationship. I had more than one person on Sunday ask me: am I really required to love them (followed by all of the details of their specific friend or family member turned enemy)? As I stated Sunday, there is no Biblical opt out clause. At no point does Jesus stop and say: except these people. As a matter of fact, it is the opposite. Those people who have been a part of your life, who God has put in your sphere, these are the people we must fight to love. It isn’t going to be easy. There are three things we need to carry into these relationships if we are going to be able to survive:
PERSPECTIVE
The thing that keeps us from being able to love someone is how we see them. When we see someone attacking us, it is easy to allow them to become an adversary. We end up giving our ‘foes’ all of this power simply in how we define them. The first step in being able to relate to them in a healthy way is to define them as the Bible does. This is a broken person being destroyed by their sin. It isn’t primarily YOU that they are at war with. While this may not ease the conflict, it helps you to see their attacks as the flailing of a hurting person. It makes you much less eager to strike back.
COUNSEL
A frenemy brings about more pain and anger than any other difficult relationship. The depth of the hurt seems to equal the depth of relationship that exists. For this reason, we have to recognize our own negative bias in these relationships and to pursue outside help to navigate them. If you have a friend or family member that you find especially hard to love, find a good friend to talk to about it. A person who can help shape the proper perspective for you will help keep you from trusting your hurt.
BOUNDARIES
Not all loving relationships are the same. While a healthy relationship will always be mutual and trusting, there will be some that don’t have these traits. While some would argue that this makes them expendable, we must view them as an opportunity: to grow as people, to learn more about our relationship with God, and to live out the example of Jesus. The lack of these traits also means that these relationships will look different. We must organize them so that they can produce the above benefits and not just become an albatross in our lives. This may mean limiting time, the types of interactions, meeting with a person in private, etc. These boundaries should be chosen and set up, not based on comfort and ease, but on producing the environment for love to be shown (to set this, see COUNSEL above).
None of this makes loving your frenemy easy. Even with perfect perspective, supportive counsel, and proper boundaries, you are going to have to commit, sacrifice, and actively initiate to make it happen. In other words, you are going to have to love. Let your love be genuine. When Paul says this, he doesn’t mean: only love those who you easily care about, but, work to change yourself into a person who genuinely loves like Christ.