On Sunday, we looked at two wrong ways to approach conflict resolution. Modern psychology has described a fight or flight response to moments of stress, and these create the two extremes of how people act when faced with an issue of conflict. Neither fight or flight (or a manipulative middle ground like Abner) bring us to a place of healing. In contrast, God’s law gives us a means to confront issues and come to a place of restoration. Let’s look at the steps given in Leviticus 6:1-7 as a framework for how to approach conflict in a way that leads to relational health.
CONFESSION/REPENTANCE
The LORD spoke to Moses, saying, “If anyone sins and commits a breach of faith against the LORD by deceiving his neighbor in a matter of deposit or security, or through robbery, or if he has oppressed his neighbor or has found something lost and lied about it, swearing falsely—in any of all the things that people do and sin thereby— if he has sinned and has realized his guilt
This section is rooted in a very specific type of conflict: where one person has sinned against another. It sets up a situation where this is clearly a perpetrator and a victim. Often, in our conflicts, it seems to be more of an ideological difference than an issue of sin. Truth is, ideological differences do not lead to brokenness and conflict without sin being involved. Whether the situation is a clear case of a person sinning against another, or is a situation where both sides have allowed bitterness and anger to poison the relationship, this step is the same: recognize your sin and claim it.
When I work with couples on this, I ask them to call the sin what the Bible calls it. You don’t have a fling, you have an affair. You don’t lose your temper, you are sinning in anger. You don’t withhold information, you lie and act in deceit. The purpose of this is to let go of the excuses that we all have, minimizing our part and justifying our actions. To call it sin means we can deal with it.
Too often, we aren’t willing to own our sin until the other ‘side’ is willing to acknowledge theirs. This is based in a false sense of justice, where we assume a combative posture in the face of our sin. We defend sin to prevent ourselves from losing or ‘giving ammo to the other person.’ Sin is not on your side. It is an enemy attacking both you and the other person. Being able to confess and bring your sin into the light is the only way to confront issues and work toward reconciliation. 1 John 1:7–9 puts it this way:
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
FORGIVENESS
If you are the recipient of the confession/repentance, you should accept their recognition and commitment to work in the right direction. In Leviticus 6, this step is not mentioned, because it is assumed. I have noticed that in many situations, this is the place where the victim feels power, and they use this power to penalize the perpetrator. From the perspective of justice, this makes sense; from the perspective of restoration, it sabotages the relationship. While those who have been affected by another person’s sin feel justified in withholding forgiveness, it is a necessary step in the relationship being healed. This step requires humility from the person who has been hurt. Colossians 3:12–13 reminds us why we take this step:
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
RESTITUTION
he shall restore it in full and shall add a fifth to it, and give it to him to whom it belongs on the day he realizes his guilt.
Being forgiven does not mean that everything is back to normal; there is often damage that needs to be repaired. In the case of theft, this is straightforward: return what you stole plus a fifth for the trouble. When it is trust that has been severed, the restitution is a bit harder to pay back and takes a great deal more time. The point is: the perpetrator has to work to restore what has been broken. The hurt party can both forgive someone AND be waiting to see change. Often the process of restoration stalls here, because the sinner does not want to actually do the work and change in the ways that they have committed to.
RECONCILIATION
and he shall be forgiven for any of the things that one may do and thereby become guilty.
In Leviticus 6, we see a process with sacrifices and the priest which shows the reconciled relationship with God that is happening simultaneously. For the two people, reconciliation recognizes the forgiveness that we have been given by Christ and transfers this to another person. We don’t reconcile with someone because they deserve it, but because we have been tasked with reflecting the love that has been shown to us. 2 Corinthians 5:18–19 reminds us of this:
All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.
RESTORATION
Not everyone differentiates between reconciliation and restoration, but I think that it is important to. In a state of reconciliation, you may be able to work through the offense, but not fully re-engage in the relationship as it was before. At times, the sin that has occurred reveals the need for some boundaries and barriers to be set up. If we ignore this, we may unintentionally support patterns of abuse by forcing victims to ‘forgive and forget‘ over and over. Truth is, sometimes the sin does fundamentally change the relationship…and should. This does not prevent reconciliation from happening, but it does make restoration, or a return to complete (healthy, vulnerable) relationship, impossible. This is where the concept of boundaries comes in (which is a topic for a different day). In some relationships, we are going to have to wait until the day of glory to be fully restored. This should not keep us from pursuing reconciliation and doing everything that we can to live at peace with all.
Dealing with conflict and pursuing reconciliation (and restoration) are important parts of a holistic view of living out our part in community. Romans 12 gives us a few other pieces of this:
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord” (14–19).
We can humbly confess and forgive because issues of justice and vengeance will be taken care of. We can put down our weapons because God will repay every evil. With that taken off of our shoulders, we can disagree without it becoming conflict. We can strive for healing in all of our relationships without the need for personal justice.