I find myself in a lot of conversations about leadership. Whether this is people trying to figure out how to mature into a leader or people who already have the weight of responsibility on their shoulders, leadership dynamics come up a lot.
A number of the conversations that I have had lately have been about conflict. While I wish that we could all just get along, and work together, the reality in this broken world is that we will have strife. Sinful people will find reasons to fight and this fighting will pit people against one another. Whether it be in churches, families, or politics, the authorities do not always agree.
One of the concepts that I keep coming back to in this is the difference between positional and relational authority. While I am often applying this in institutional settings, these same ideas work well in marriage, parenting, and relationships. Let me start with defining both and then we will get into why it is important to know the difference.
Positional authority is respect given to a person because they take on a specific role. The way that I was taught this is: salute the uniform. While I was never in the military, I got the reference. There are times when you have no real reason to follow someone other than the fact that they are in a position that demands it. There is a lot of pushback against positional authority in our society, so I think it is worth mentioning that the Bible commands it. When Paul says:
Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. | Romans 13:1
Or when Peter says:
Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. | 1 Peter 2:17
These are examples of God encouraging us to respect and honor positional authority. Positional authority is especially important when hard decisions have to be made and unity must be maintained despite how everyone feels about the decision.
Relational authority is honor given based on relationship; it is a bit different because it has to be built up over time. You can have a new president in a moment, but for someone to establish themselves as trustworthy and worthy of your respect is going to take moment after moment of them proving themselves faithful. The Bible often just refers to this as faithfulness or steadfastness, but it touches on the idea of authority in places like 1 Thessalonians 5:12–13:
We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves.
Relational authority is deep and, because it has been earned, has more strength. You want to follow someone who has shown themselves to be honorable.
There is overlap between the two. Those who are in positions of authority should also develop relational authority. Those who do a good job of developing relational authority will often be given position, honoring the work that they have done. The best leaders are those who both carry the burden of positional authority and use their position to serve those they lead, building up trust over time. This, by the way, is why I am a strong advocate for smaller church size, where the pastors can have both positional and relational authority – they are not only your leaders because they have been appointed and installed, but because you actually know them and have seen the conduct of their character.
This is not always the case. Often, in church conflict specifically, positional and relational authority get pitted against one another. People are forced to choose between the people who are in positions of power and those people who they have learned to trust over time. This tears people apart, because they rightly see a responsibility to both of these, while being put in a situation that requires them to choose one over the other. I am not going to speak into how to handle these situations, because each one is incredibly different based on the variables. What I do want to address is how to live toward health – to avoid conflicts that do not need to happen. I have 3 thoughts:
Work to develop relational and allow the positional to fall where it will
I have run into a number of people who are looking for positions of authority and see the church as a place to get it. They want to know the steps to eldership and the process they need to accomplish to get there. I always just tell them to serve people, which ends up being frustrating for those who want the hoops to jump through. My direction is for them to focus on earning trust before they get the title. As a church, we will not install anyone to a position if they have not already developed relational authority (this is why our eldership process takes so long).
I have seen a similar thing from many husbands, who want their wives to respect their positional authority. My counsel has always been to do whatever you can to develop honor, rather than demanding it (I have yet to see a wife who was argued into trusting her husband). This leads directly to the second concept:
Lead with the relational, only addressing the positional when necessary
In moments of conflict, it is easy to fall back into positional authority: you should listen to me because I am in the place to tell you what to do. In my line of work, we call this: pulling the pastor card. There are times when you have to remind people that it is in their best interest to listen to what you are saying, as a person given authority from God. But these times are few and far between. This should be a last resort when all other avenues have been exercised.
This is a common default for parents: because I said so. The positional authority: I am the parent is stressed over the relational: because I care for you and have proven myself to be working toward your best interest. While there are times to just put your foot down, this should not be the most frequent response. Instead, every moment of conflict is an opportunity to develop a deeper relational authority – to build credit in the bank, so to speak. The more that you can keep issues in the relational, rather than sliding into the positional, the more you can keep it from escalating into an ultimatum.
Honor those with relational authority when you have the positional authority
One of the mistakes that many with positional authority do is underestimate the power of relational authority. They imagine that because they have the title that people will trust them over those who have invested in their lives. This is simply untrue. One of the best things that leaders can do is recognize those who are doing the work of building relational authority. Leaders can not always have a close relationship with everyone in their care, but they can create a culture that honors the right things – placing value on what God values.
A lot of this sounds overly practical – and it is. Basically what I am trying to do is give you pragmatic motivation to do what is right and good and true. In the long term, being a person of integrity who has proven themselves will work out better than forcing people to submit. It is helpful to be reminded that this is not just about being good, but it is what will create the most good for everyone in our care.