Anlee and I have tried to read a number of books on marriage or parenting together, only to get a third of the way through and lose steam for various reasons. But there’s one book we’ve made it through, and absolutely loved: Gary Thomas’ Sacred Marriage.
We first read Sacred Marriage as part of our pre-marital counseling and are currently re-reading it as we walk an engaged couple through their pre-marital counseling.
This book has had a significant impact on our marriage, mostly due to its simple proposition, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” The book is essentially an outworking of this concept: marriage is an anvil to form us into greater maturity and Christlikeness. And approaching marriage with this conviction radically changes how we deal with the struggles, tensions, frustrations, and disappointments of marriage.
Here are some nuggets of wisdom that have stood out to me as I reread Sacred Marriage:
On feeling contemptuous toward your spouse: “…when my respect slips into contempt, it’s because I’m weak, not because my wife is failing. If I were really mature, I would have the same compassion for her weaknesses as Christ does. Respect is a spiritual discipline, an obligation that I owe my wife.”
On who has the harder lot: “If we assume that our spouse has the hardest road to travel and that we miss the mark most frequently—and then act accordingly—we’ll find a mix that’s just about right.”
On Christian love: “Christian love, on the other hand, must be chased after, aspired to, and practiced…If (a man) hasn’t loved his wife, it is not his wife’s fault, but his. Jesus calls us to love even the unlovable—even our enemies!—so a man who says ‘I’ve never loved you’ is a man who is saying essentially this: ‘I’ve never acted like a Christian.’”
On the purpose of marriage: “The key question is this: Will we approach marriage from a God-centered view or a man-centered view? In a man-centered view, we will maintain our marriage as long as our earthly comforts, desires, and expectations are met. In a God-centered view, we preserve our marriage because it brings glory to God and points a sinful world to a reconciling Creator.”
On showing respect: “Giving respect is an obligation, not a favor; it is an act of maturity, birthed in a profound understanding of God’s good grace.”
On marriage and romance: “’Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will, any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate.’–W. H. Auden”