Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. | Ephesians 4:25–32
Last Sunday, pastor Andrew preached the last part of Ephesians 4. There is so much in this text. It is one that can be preached in a number of different ways while still leaving some ideas on the cutting room floor.
One of the ways that I have used this is in marriage counseling, specifically around the issue of communication. While Paul is talking about the church community and how we maintain unity in the body, the same tools work for effective communication between a husband and wife. While there are a lot of things that can destroy a marriage, communication is the key to prevent any of these take on their full destructive force. We need help with this.
What tools does Paul give to us?
Be truthful
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.
Many people try to say the right thing instead of being honest. While you may be able to control a moment this way, over time it breaks down. Honesty truly is the best policy. This doesn’t mean that you become a truth hammer, feeling the need to point out every flaw or mistake, but that you are willing to be open and honest with your spouse. The short term pain of having to deal with hard truth will help grow trust and vulnerability over the long haul.
Keep short accounts
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.
Sin and anger do not just sit; they fester. Not dealing with issues creates new and bigger issues. While ‘not letting the sun go down’ does not have to be taken literally, the principle stands: confront the hard things. Talk through disagreements. Voice your frustrations. Do all of these so that the Devil does not get a foothold in your relationship.
Aim for redemption
Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need.
Marriage acts as a sanctification factory – a place where your sin can be seen and redirected. While we hope to see change within marriage, it is not about simply becoming a new person. It is about learning how to use what we have been given to build up rather than destroy. The purpose of our communication is not just to settle differences, but to make each other more complete versions of ourselves.
Attack the problem, not the person
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
When disagreements come, they tend to stir up all previous disagreements. A fight becomes the opportunity to bring up every frustration that has ever existed. It comes in the form of blaming and name-calling. I have talked to people who are coming out of a huge blow up and they can’t even remember what started the whole thing, because it had become five different fights along the way. We need to stay focused on the task at hand. Solving any issue is difficult; blending a bunch together makes it nearly impossible. You have to be careful about the words that you use and to make sure that they are for the purpose of building up.
Don’t forget that God is there
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
In a Christian marriage, the two sides in a fight are both Spirit-filled individuals. When you are in conflict, God is there with you, working to sanctify each of you. This is not a tool as much as a reminder. You are never just dealing with an earthly situation, but are always working out something spiritual as well. Do not let the moment lose its place in eternity.
Be forgiving
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
The hope in all issues of conflict is restoration. In order to accomplish this, there needs to be forgiveness. To forgive is to let go of the power you have of being the person wronged. It is acknowledging the burden of sin and choosing to bear it. This is no easy thing. The only way to choose forgiveness over vengeance is to have a vision for where both lead and to recognize what you have been forgiven of. This places forgiveness into God’s plan of restoration.
Communication will always be a challenge because of sin, the differences between the genders, and the varied backgrounds we come from. Using the tools that God has provided assures that we are working toward His ends. While it may be bumpy along the way, we are living toward the full and complete restoration of all things, where conflict and disagreement will be a thing of the past. As we wait for this, we are able to see how God is shaping us for this glorious future, one challenge at a time.